Life, Lately

Hydrangeas, blooming cheerfully in the back garden

Is there a word for “I’m extremely sleep-deprived and falling apart a little at the seams?”

Asking for a friend.

It’s weird how things just falter sometimes. My son, who turned one only last week — which, no, I don’t understand how that happened, I’m more than sure he was born a minute ago — has been knee-deep in a sleep-regression that has lasted for almost two months now, and at this point, I’m not sure it’s related to anything. Teeth, we guessed the first two weeks, and then just pulled helmets and safety jackets on, and hoped, are still hoping, for the best.

I mean, in the first bleary-eyed months, there was a predictability to his schedule. There was a certain rhythm to the sleep-deprivation, a cadence, a dance of steps I knew. Every two hours, an invisible clock chimed a bell only he could hear, and I would feed him, change him and play with him before putting him down for a nap; at night, these steps would repeat, and end with me stumbling back to bed in the dark, wishing sleep would let me in, just one more time.

And then, as time progressed, the need for night feeds faded, the time between feeds during the day became longer, and all of a sudden, in mid-April, there were actual nights again, where he slept from six in the evening to five in the morning — sometimes even to seven in the morning (!) — and it felt, a little, like being reborn. But now, it feels like we’re back at the beginning of the race; only the finish line has vanished and the tracks are currently undergoing construction.

Of course I’m endlessly grateful for the little cuddles, the murmurs of “mama” (“Mummy”) and “ba” (“Book”) and “dada” (Daddy), the cheerful waves when someone leaves, the regal clapping of his hands when he finishes his food, the little skip-hop-drop to the back garden when we leave the door open in the summer heat, but needless to maybe say, life, lately, has been a little rough.

I’m so tired, I’m only just mustering the energy to care for him during the day, care for the home whilst he naps, cook after he goes to bed and do the laundry every moment in-between — and that leaves little room for me. I feel like I’ve been fighting my way through the necessary, but now I’m ready to look beyond the must-happens towards the future. There’s too many things I still want to do, too many stories I still want to share, too many dreams I still have.

So I’ll see you all tomorrow with a post all about the how I’m planning to get unstuck and get started on those very goals. Better late than never, as they always say.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. How’s life been for you lately? Wishing you, and your loved ones, health and safety in these trying times.

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6 Comments
  • Sam
    August 4, 2020

    I relate to this SO MUCH. My son is 7 months and his sleep has gone from feedless nights and a stretch from 10pm to 7am where I could a totally sleep for a decent chunk of time, to endless wakes and feeds and I’m lucky if I get 2 hours at a time after 12am. I’m shattered, and there is no time for anything that is just for me. Even my eating has become irregular lately because I’m prioritising everything else. I’m trying to change that. We also purchased a LittleOnes sleep program to help get us on track again with his sleep, so we can sleep.

    Wishing you sleep, mama, and all the best for your goals!

    • Sarah
      August 4, 2020

      Argh, sleep regression is officially the worst, isn’t it? I completely understand the utter exhaustion that comes from it. I really hope the program works and that he can get back on track with his sleep, so you can get some sleep! You got this, mum 💪🏻 Thank you so much for your kind words, and keep me update on that program! I’d love to know if it works for you 😊

  • Raksha
    August 4, 2020

    Poor you. I completely understand, I have had this with my daughter (who is now 2). It’s so hard to function during the day when they go through this sleep regression, and it’s hard to feel positive about anything. You are doing so well. I can’t believe how much you manage to do. The cooking, baking, cleaning and all of the Instagram and blog posts! Not to mention YouTube too. It’s unbelievable.
    You are amazing, I hope you take the time to appreciate what a great job you’re doing!

    • Sarah
      August 5, 2020

      Yes, it takes a whole other level of dedication to function properly on so little sleep! And yes, it’s hard to carry yourself through the day and stay motivated. Thank you so much for the kind words 💕 It’s always easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive, so that’s definitely great advice. I hope that your daughter is well!

  • Elisabeth
    August 9, 2020

    I completely agree with Raksha. You are slaying it, every day! You get more done in a day than I do in several, and my 5 kids are adults and have moved out (except 1).

    I’m sure everyone has told you that you will blink and suddenly your son will be grown. It really does go by quickly. You mentioned it feels like you just gave birth. Sometimes it feels like time is standing still (usually during the hard times) and then you realize that was ages ago.

    Try to allow yourself grace and no matter how selfish or wrong it seems, put yourself at the top of your to do list. Make eating healthy and exercising a priority. Carve out time for self care without feeling guilty. Like the saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. If you can manage that, the sleepiness night aren’t quite so bad. Try to sleep when the baby sleeps even though you normally use that time to accomplish all that you do. If you can’t fathom doing that, try it one or two days a week.

    Enough with my unsolicited advice. I know you will be successful at this just like you are successful with the other areas of your life. I hope you know that you inspire people, even old(er) ladies like me.

    • Sarah
      August 17, 2020

      Thank you so much, Elisabeth, for your wise and kind words! I have a horrid time napping during the day as I always wake up groggy and disoriented in a way that follows me for the rest of the day, so that probably won’t work for me, but I am giving myself grace and taking evenings off here and there just to sit idly and read, instead of filling things up with tasks.

      And five kids! What a star you are 🤍 Thank you, again, for your kind words, and I hope you have the best day!

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